Red: A Story and a Birthday Suit!

Want to hear me tell you this story?
[haiku url="http://heidistable.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Red-Birthday-Red2.m4a" title="Red, Birthday Red"]

Yesterday I painted my nails red. Understand, I am not one to grow long nails, never really have been and certainly not now when I’d never want a client to feel anything even remotely like a long nail on a shoulder, on a back, or while I’m fulcrum-ing their head at that hurts-so-good spot where skull meets neck…

But, the other day, walking past CVS, I was taken back 20 years… And yesterday, on the eve of my birthday, my fingers practically begged me, “Please, can you paint us red?” I just had to oblige. Also, something about now must be reminding me of then…

I was living at 211 Beacon Street in Boston, in studio 3D, although I can assure you that the words “three dimensional” utterly belie the Lilliputian size of the studio I called home for several years in my mid 20′s. It was a shoebox of a place, with a ladder I climbed up to where my futon fit, just barely, in the sleeping loft a couple of feet from the ceiling… a place where you were likely to bump your head if your dared to stand up tall, and a place where, too many times to tell, something like a ceiling fell. Yes, that’s right, a ceiling.

Fairfield Realty was the name of the management company for the building of my shoebox studio, and for $475 a month in the Back Bay of Boston they would practically look you in the face, laugh, and proceed to tell you you were lucky —yes, lucky— which was shorthand for they’d not be fixing your bathroom ceiling anytime soon. Like I said, it was not a place where a girl could stand up tall.

But I had a friend. Her name was Katherine. She lived on Marlborough Street, a block away, in a studio with an actual bedroom and ceilings that didn’t fall.

“Waterstones later?” Katherine would ask.

“Yes!” I’d reply.

Waterstones was an enormous, three-story, palace of a bookstore in a beautiful, old, stone building on Essex Street. It became my second home, a place I could while away long New England winter weekend afternoons, a place where I could, for a few hours, not notice that it was dark:thirty in the afternoon and oh-so-cold and getting colder.

This is how it went: after a quick hi-how-are-you kiss in the lobby Katherine and I would split up to do a walk-through, each of us perusing our favorite shelves and sections, gathering our stack for the day. Mine would invariably include new fiction, or women’s studies, or poetry, or psychology, the latter to find out what the hell was wrong with me. Thankfully, at Waterstones I also met many poets, alive and not, and they made me feel understood in the way that even the most perfect psychological diagnosis never could. Discovering Letters To a Young Poet was like finding a pack of letters in a bottle just for me. Mr. Rilke got me. And there’s nothing like feeling gotten, nothing. Mr. Neruda had grown up in the very city I had in Southern Chile. He knew endless rain, the kind you could feel in your bones, and he talked about love being round like a watermelon. And oh but I wanted a melon like that. And on and on… At Waterstones poets became friends.

After our walk-through, Katherine —who, whatever else she may have ended up carrying, always had at least one book, if not five, from the Humor-Comedy shelves in her stack— and I would meet at our predetermined spot by the big comfy chairs by the windows on the third floor —choice #1—  or, if the window chairs were full, in the quiet corner over by psychology, sitting cross-legged on the floor —choice #2. And there we’d read the afternoon well away into the evening, every so often looking up to tell each other something we’d found.

Those were paycheck to paycheck pay the rent and just buy food kind of days, so I never did buy many books at Waterstones, but please believe me, dearest palace of a bookstore, that any extra money I ever had did go to you and I was heartbroken the day I went back to visit you, after I’d moved to a place where I could stand up, and I saw the closed-for-business sign on your front doors. My heart sinks all over again just remembering.

Often Katherine and I read until 11, practically closing the place down, but sometimes, getting back to nails, we’d hop across the street to CVS, the drug store, to try on shades of red polish. Usually it was at Katherine’s urging, but I can’t say she ever had to twist my arm all that much.

There we stood, making single streaks of red on our nails, trying on a million shades, until we found the one we liked. We’d leave the store, our nails looking like bloody zebras, but our hearts warm with laughter.

It’s my birthday today. Happy birthday to me! Many things have changed since those shoebox studio days. For one, I can stand tall where I live. For two, I do something I love. For three, there’s you, and this here me writing to you. For four… oh there are more, many more. And yet, some things about now are reminding me of then and, truth be told, it’s scaring me just a bit. So this here is me, ushering in a new life year in the spirit of red —kindness, laughter and friendship— on some gray-feeling days.

Also, I have a something for you. Presents! Wheee! In celebration of the color red and my birthday, I’d love to include a free 1/2 oz. jar of Birthday Suit in any order you place between today, Feb. 10 and next Friday, Feb. 17.

Birthday Suit? you ask.

Why yes! Birthday Suit is the name of the Aardvark Essentials healing base cream (the one all the essential oil potions come in)… People have been raving about its healing goodness… one client told me that it was actually helping his acne, another customer mentioned that her husband is using up her jar, and several clients have raved about how quickly their new tattoos healed when they used it. Birthday Suit is completely organic. So, go ahead and place an order for anything, and I will include a 1/2 oz. jar of Birthday Suit for you, on me. I mean, not ON me. On me, as in, free. Ooof, now that we’re clear about that—

P.S. I’d love birthday wish martinis and wish candles in the comments. Maybe you’ll tell me about your favorite shade of red. Or something you noticed today that gave you joy. Or something that moved you. Or, where you lived when you were 25. Or maybe you’ll pick a beautiful word, or make a bouquet of lines. Or tell me about your favorite bookstore. Or…

P.P.S. On Wednesday, February 15, I’m teaching a teleclass on Essential Oils. Check it out! (Hope to ‘see’ you there!)

On magic potions and getting through the holidays. Have a listen!

Last week my friend, channeling the voice of Maggie Smith and going by the name of Jean McGillicuddy, interviewed me about magic potions, what’s in them, why I make them, and about a Care Package I’ve made to help you get through this kuh-rayzee time of year.

We had great fun. I hope you enjoy listening! (Click on the Play button)

Heidi Fischbach from Aardvark Essentials
on magic potions and getting through the holidays

[haiku url="http://heidistable.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/Heidi-Fischbach-from-Aardvark-Essentials.mp3" title="Getting through the holidays"]

To get your very own Care Package, go here:

http://heidistable.com/care-package/

(Even though Jean McGillicuddy is not my friend’s real name –she’s a bit shy– and even though LMNO is not a real radio station, I can assure you that everything in the interview is as I say. Well, OK, the elephant’s hoof on my chest? Metaphorical. But then, you knew that, right?)

Essence of You-ness

I got myself an itty bitty mortar ‘n’ pestle,
a present for the hard stuff
to get to the sweet stuff inside
things like a vanilla bean
and a cardamom pod
and a restless, tired mind,
which I crushed and added to a sexy Bosc pear
sauteing it all on low flame
with a splash of barrel-aged balsamic
to tease the sweetness out.

Won’t you join me please? You:
who just called yourself a name. And you:
who bit your tongue not to. And you:
who had a drink too many. And you:
who had a drink too few. And you:
dreaming at your desk job. And you:
making a go of it alone. And you:
paired with the love of your life. And you:
out there on your own. And you:
who just flipped your monster the finger,
then hugged him to make up. And you:
who got out of bed anyway. And you:
who couldn’t. And you:
with all the hats. And you:
who can’t find yours. And you:
with the mammogram to get to. And you:
who haven’t had one yet. And you:
cowering in the closet. And you:
cleaning yours out. And you:

that’s right, you:

Won’t you come dip your finger
into this essence of goodness that is you?

Hmm… the S in Scared didn’t want to leave!

When I started this April blog series called “Taking the S out of Scared,” I was soooo excited. How awesome would it be to recycle and reuse that S. Sure sounded good! I had, after all, so many better, sexier, more interesting uses for that S, S being one of my favorite letters.

Confession: I haven’t succeeded. I’ve been scared. Really scared. Scared with a good bit of overwhelm. You know, when everything feels like “too much,” and even the best of sounds can sound like noise… Like that.

Good intentions. AND good to notice that a huge part of my motivation was being pushed by the part of me that was freaking-the-hell-out: it wanted me to get rid of Scared once and for all. Pro-bly on account of it being scared, too!

Wanted: Calm. To know down to my bones that all is OK. Knowing I’m taken care of, no matter what. And, doggone it, we were going to make that happen.

Laudable, isn’t it? I justified my agenda by saying that of course calm is a good thing. As is feeling taken care of. Who doesn’t want that! And besides, this was me doing it. It wasn’t like I was waiting for anyone to come save me or anything. I was going to do it and then share my findings with you.

Oh well.

Enter reality. Hello!

Over the past week every time I’ve gone to write an entry: nothing. Or I’d start and stop and start and stop over and over again… Oh the pressure.

Last night found me in this chair right here trying to write yet again. I so wanted to sing the praises of “Essence” and “Simple” — but everything that came was convoluted. Plus it felt forced. Like me pushing something that didn’t want to move. Or wasn’t ready.

Finally, exhausted and battered over a week gone by without a second post, I went to bed. “Oh no! Now what! I can’t even write any more. Writing is my love. Will I lose even that?”

It was a hard night. You know: too long and too short at once.

This morning I wrote my friend Elizabeth a 5-line email:

Dear Elizabeth,
Do you have any time today?
I have lost interest in everything. I’m scared.
Love,
Heidi

Basic? Yes. To the point? M-hm. More to the essence than anything I’d written all week.

Elizabeth Levine—whose middle name might as well be Kindness, or Presence, or Kick-ass-sense-of-humor, or Understanding—wrote back inviting me to ask myself:

Is it true that I’ve lost interest in everything?

Hmmmm. Pretty quickly I see it’s not true.

For one: I’ve not for one moment lost interest in finding ways to take care of myself.

For two: I’ve not lost interest in not giving up on myself.

For three: Ironically, I’ve not lost interest in Scared. It’s here in spite of my trying to get rid of it. Hello!

For four: It seems what I’m really interested in is how someone with lots of overwhelm and scared can take good care anyway.

For five: I’ve not lost interest in beauty. It’s just that at the moment, as one dear friend so succinctly said: “You’re seeing everything through shit glasses.”

Oh my. Nails it!

But know what? Beauty is still here. Alive and well. And yesterday, even in the midst of an overwhelm of gargantuan proportions (redundant, just like the overwhelm)—beauty found me.

Oh my. So subtle and even more beautiful for that. This beauty looked a whole lots like 4 itty-bitty sparse paragraphs written by the equally beatiful Havi Brooks:

Anyway, it was just the two of us. No waitress. I was covering the bar and he was taking the kitchen.

We knew we’d be hanging out together until at least six in the morning when we closed, so it wasn’t like we needed to fill the space with conversation.

I was cleaning something. He was cleaning something. Johnny Cash in the background. All the space in the world. All the time in the world.

Just cleaning. And thinking. And waiting, but not impatiently. Knowing that any minute a door will open. A bell will ring. And there you are.

Oh my. So simple. Ahhhh. So calm. Ahhh. So much care.

All for today, my friends, all for today—

Heidi

April Blog Series: “Taking the S out of Scared”

I have been noticing how often I feel scared and how often I think or say the words: “I’m so scared!”

I’m quite adept at running the mental movies: woman pushing shopping cart. Woman trying to keep her laptop dry in the rain. Woman trying to find wifi… Woman sleeping under the bushes in the Cambridge Common… Woman dying old and alone with nary a person who loves her in sight… Scared yet? No shit!

But the other day, while doing my Heidi-version-of-running running, I began wondering about what the part of me that’s scared most longs for, most wants, most believes is missing. And that’s when things started getting interesting. (You know, enter curiosity!)

Little Tangent: I’ve been doing A Month of Living Curiously and have loved it: I lurve writing letters to people I love. And my subscribers? Adore them.

But this month I very much need to focus on biggifying my massage therapy, self-employed IttyBiz. I need to make massage a more solid stream of income, one I can consistently depend on to provide me with a solid base. Because, I don’t know about you but it’s freaking hard to keep the creative juices flowing when “one” (who, me?) is worried about rent and food. After all people, we’re talking Maslow’s lowest rung on the pyramid here! And as much as I was loving writing missives to my subscribers, it wasn’t fully and literally sustaining me.

But that made me sad. Because I can’t not write! And I want to write. And I love staying connected. So, I’ve decided I’d just do it more lo-key, less formal. (And here ends the Little Tanget) So:

I took Scared’s hand and we kept doing our laps. And there, in the middle of Danehy Park, it came to us—Scared and me—that Scared doesn’t really have to be so scary.

Hmmmmm! Interesting about that. And that’s when my April blog series was born: Taking the S out of Scared!

And, want to know something really cool? April is Earth Month! That’s right! All about recycling and reusing. So, rather than throwing a letter away, we are going to reuse it.

Besides, even if it weren’t Earth Month, doesn’t the thought of throwing a super sexy scrumptious letter like S away just break your heart? (If it doesn’t, do not even tell me). And, besides-besides: it also happens that April is National Poetry Month, and, um, hel-lo! what sort of a disrespectful dipshit would throw away a letter during Poetry Month? Not I. Oh no, not I.

So, good all around. Everyone is happy. Scared gets to get taken care of. No letter will be left behind. And Heidi gets to write.

Stay tuned for my musings on reusing the S.

And, my IttyBiz? Why, I’d love you to come see me for a massage